What do you guys think of this cover letter to give to hair salons?

Is this ok to give to hair salons so i can do an apprenticeship with them?





Dear Madam/Sir,





I am looking for a full time 1st year Apprenticeship in Hairdressing. I am a recent school leaver and while at school I was working at the cinemas where I gained a lot of experience with customer service and dealing with all types of people. As you will see from my resume, I successfully completed yr12 and I am now looking to start my career.





Since leaving school I obtained a job as a receptionist, and after being here for 3 months I have realised that I need to put all of my focus into what I want to become, which is a hairdresser, instead of wasting my time in a job that will take me nowhere.





I am very focused on what I want in life and I give my full potential in everything I strive for. I love to learn from all sorts of talented people and challenge myself to the best I can be.





Please feel free to look at my resume.








RegardsWhat do you guys think of this cover letter to give to hair salons?
I have only made some minor changes to how I think your cover letter should be.





Dear Sir/Madam,





My name is __________ and I am ________ years old. I have been looking for a full time, first year Apprenticeship in Hairdressing. I have recently left school, and was working at a local cinema where I have gained a lot of experience with both customer service and dealing with all types of people in accordance.





My resume, as is attached to this letter, states that I have successfully completed year twelve, and am now looking to start a career.





Since leaving school I obtained a job as a receptionist, and after being there for three months, I realised that I needed to put all of my focus into what I want to become, rather than wasting my time on a job that I know I will never enjoy as I could enjoy being a hairdresser.





I consider myself to be very focused on my goals and what I desire in life, and I always give my full potential in everything I strive for. I love to learn from all sorts of talented and inspiring people and challenge myself to the best I can be. If you employ me, I promise to be all of the former, try as best as I can, and work hard to show you what I am capable of.





Best regards,





(Insert name here)





I hope you like my edited version. =)What do you guys think of this cover letter to give to hair salons?
I think job finding is more about selling yourself and your appearances and your personality. No one has time to read letters. Just send a nice cover letter with your resume, call up the owner to see if you can get an interview and dazzled the **** out of them.